“I don’t know what I want to do with my life”
This is something I have said a lot. Too often, actually.
It isn’t that I don’t know what I want to do – it’s that I’ve conditioned myself to dismiss what I want to do because I’m afraid. I’m too afraid to put in the hard work, I’m too afraid of failing, I’m too afraid of trying something that I’ve never tried before or, worse, that I feel I have no business even considering. Who the hell am I, anyway?
It isn’t that I’m confused, or that I’m just not sure what the right decision is or what the right thing to do is – I’m scared. I’m scared and I’ve been scared my whole life. But if I say that ‘I’m not sure..’ or ‘I’m confused..’, I can avoid that deep fear of setting an expectation and failing to meet it.
I’m not running away from the fear, necessarily, and I’m certainly not confronting the fear – no no! I’m hanging out in front of that fear; fear and me – we’re just hanging out. Not really doing anything, not going anywhere, just.. hanging out.
Fear is killing me.