I have an admission to make. If you ever thought I was arrogant or self-centered, self-serving and self-ish, then I admit it – it’s all true. My ego is enormous and I keep it well fed, all the time. The reasons are the usual reasons; I want to be loved, admired, followed, celebrated.. I want it all. And I realize that being that kind of person and wearing it on your sleeve isn’t the most accepted idea in our society. Fact is, we don’t like it much when people act that way. We think they’re fake or putting on a show, manipulating or acting out what they think we expect of them instead of just doing their own thing.
But I’m not acting.
So there! I admit it. You think I’m a pompous ass? You’re right! Think I’m stuck on myself? It’s true! But if you think, that I think, that I don’t have problems or issues – well, you’re dead wrong on that one. I know I have lots of problems and things that I’m working through every day. I know that I put my pants on just like everyone else. I know that my body isn’t the strongest, my mind the brightest, my emotions the most mature.. in short, I’m a big hot mess. I’m full of fear and doubt, I complain, I get offended easily, I’m very excitable, emotionally dependent, and even vindictive.
So there are two different pictures of me that I’ve painted and they’re both true – or, at least, I can find instances that prove each point.
But that’s not what I want, or where I want to dwell. That’s not who I want to be, always trying to referee between the person who operates out of fear, too timid to try, afraid to offend, and the other person who operates out of the love and joy of who I am, my power and my gratitude for the fiery energy of those around me.
I am that last guy who loves himself..unconditionally. Gives himself a big hug every morning and tells fear that it can stay, but it won’t get in the way of what needs to happen. Tells doubt that it can hang out but we’re going to try to get this thing done despite those ‘good reasons’ for quitting or not even starting. Tells shame that it may have landed a blow this time, but I’m getting back up, dusting myself off and trying again. Unafraid of humiliation. Undeterred by obstacles and setbacks. Forged in forgiveness, thankfulness, and hope.
Being so within myself that I ride the razors edge between admitting the real and pushing the possible, encouraging others because they can also say to themselves, “This is ALL about ME!”