Challenging = Changing

Got to get out of my head.  I’m so deep into my own head sometimes that I’m mentally wringing my hands and vascillating wildly between enormous ego trip and feeling overwhelmed and out of my depth.

It’s an idea.  A seedling, planted.  It’s just out there and all eyes are on me and I’ve got two competing stories.  Which one will I listen to?

So I get all flustered and say something dumb because I’m trying to be profound and worthy instead of just listening and taking it in.   I say I’m selfish because cheering others on is how I can lift myself up.. and I regret it immediately.   I’m so deep into my own head and I’m trying to play chess with my thoughts and words when noone else is playing chess.   It’s dishonest.

Truth is, I’m feeling like a fraud.   That’s the story I’m telling myself.   I’m a fraud and I have everyone fooled.   I’m not worth all this good stuff.   That’s what I hear myself saying..to myself.   I’m surrounded by such good sweet people, strong capable and successful people and then there’s me; the joke.   Not because I struggle with the workouts – I do – but because my heart isn’t as pure as they seem to think and I’m not quite as good as they want to assume.   And their hearts are so kind and bursting and full of goodness..

That’s one story.

The other is that I am that good, and getting better.   That I’m better than I think I am and I’m actually kinder and more loving, more capable than even you think I am.   I’m all me and that’s who I am.   When I’m giving my reasons for doing something or wanting to do something, I don’t have to be afraid and be ‘measured’ in my responses – I don’t have to massage the message!  I can just speak out of my heart and trust that what comes out is going to be true and good and wholesome and loving and kind.

100% me.

So that’s my challenge – to listen to my wizard and only my wizard and to be challenged and not be deterred.   Because, here it is.. if it didn’t challenge me, it wouldn’t change me.

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